I strayed across an archive of my old, old blog. This is a word-for-word repost of a bit of “comedy” I wrote in the summer of 2002.

Aries – Love is in the air tonight, Aries. However, so is dander. Be prepared and bring tissues for both.
Taurus – You will receive a handsome reward. Even though you never thought your deadbeat uncle was handsome.
Gemini – Don’t look for that big promotion at work, Gemini. Instead, look for that three-hole punch. Someone keeps moving it and that is bullshit.
Cancer – Easy there, Cancer. For today your rampant anti-Semitism will land you in hot water. When you land this hot water, relax, because you’ll be soaking in a hot spring resort that doesn’t allow in any Jews.
Leo – Leo, Leo, Leo. Would you hurry and gay it up already?
Virgo – That certain special someone is ready to listen to what you have to say. They’ve grown accustomed to that weird thing on your face and will be able to listen without distraction.
Libra – Stop drinking caffeine. That’s no way for a Mormon to behave. You are a Mormon.
Scorpio – Take on a long put-off task and finish it. No, not your model of the Romulan Warbird, you fucking dork-ass.
Sagittarius – For the answers you seek, you may have to seek a higher power. If you want answers from a fictional, invisible life force that has time to govern physics, destiny, time, space, and whether or not you should go back to drafting school.
Capricorn – Go to Vegas. Go to the Frontier Hotel. Room 2009. Do not eat or drink anything for at least 18 hours before you arrive. The human body is very resilient.
Aquarius – Use today to post some pointless funny material to your website. Do not dismay when no one reads it and no one ever gives you any feedback on it.
Pisces – Go fuck yourself.